Of Mountains and Molehills
by thegoffietwerb
Summary: kinkmeme fill - Thorin is forced to give Fili and Kili 'The Talk'. It does not go well.


**My first Kink meme fill:  
Durin family; The Talk**

_Thorin and Dís have The Talk with teenaged* Fíli and Kíli. Can be as serious or as cracky as you want :)_

_*whatever counts as "teenaged" when Dwarves are involved; I don't know if the age of majority for Dwarves was ever established?_

_Bonus points if Dís somehow roped Thorin into doing it (I'll leave it to you to imagine how). I have this random headcanon of her being very persuasive and more stubborn than her brother and sons combined. =D_

_This is about a year or 3 before the Hobbit. Someone worked out they were about 18 and 19 equivalent ages._

* * *

**Of Mountains and Molehills.**

"I am _not _doing that."  
"Yes you are."

Thorin glared up at his sister from where he sat as she loomed over him, arms crossed, stern faced, that terrible glint in her eye that he saw whenever she was about to cause trouble.  
"No."  
Dis glared some more. The Dwarf princess was a force to be reckoned with. She was of Durin's line after all, dark-haired, sturdy and very very stubborn. Especially when it came to her sons.  
Thorin glared back.  
_The sons._

"Brother," (she said with a melodramatic sigh), "You know they're growing up fast… and you know you're the closest thing to a father they have…I need you to talk to them Thorin."  
"I am not explaining _that_ to my nephews. You're their mother –surely you should be explaining this to them."  
"No. They need their uncle. Or I can contact a cousin. I'm sure Dwalin could-"  
She stopped mid-sentence when she noticed the withering look her older brother was giving her. She didn't know what he was so upset about. Dis knew he adored them and they worshipped him… so anything he told them they would take on board, sensibly and maturely.  
Well.  
They'd take it on board.

Fili's first thought was that they were in trouble.  
His second thought was that his uncle looked incredibly pale.

"Sit down. Both of you."  
The two young dwarf brothers sat down on their bed promptly as Thorin shut the door, ashen faced.  
"What's the matter, Uncle?" Asked Kili, as he sat next to his brother. This…this had been left too late, thought Thorin as he regarded the two. Although both were barely bearded (especially Kili, oh please let that come through soon), they were getting taller and broader. Soon they'd be let loose into the Dwarven community to court.  
He was a Prince of the line of Durin.  
He's let his people to a new home and helped build a new life for them.  
Teaching his nephews about the where Dwarlings came from should be no real problem.

"You're mother has requested that I discuss something with you."  
They both watched him. He moved to the fireplace, avoiding eye contact.  
"As you know, you're both getting…older… and you're mother wanted you to be aware of the…changes…you will go through-"  
"Uncle, if this is about our beards and our noses growing then we already know about that!"  
"Well. Mostly."  
"Well. We think. "  
"Quiet. Both of you. This is not about your beards."  
"Oh. Just because, when will my-" Kili shut up as Fili nudged him.

Thorin let out an exasperated sigh. This was going to be a long talk. He took a deep breath, braced himself and asked, "Do either of you know where Dwarf bairns come from?"  
The silence, white faces and raised eyebrows told him no.  
"Well then. Be quiet and listen well, because I will not explain this twice."

-  
"What? No. There are no bats."  
Kili scratched his head and stared down at the crudely drawn pictures on the table.

"But you said there was a cave."  
"It isnt a real cave!" His brother rolled his eyes at him, "besides, it sounds more like a tunnel to me."  
"It is not a tunnel and there are no-"  
"There are always bat—"  
"THERE ARE NO BATS IN THIS CAVE."

Thorin almost broke the piece of charcoal in his hands as he searched for a better metaphor. Obliviously this one was not working.  
"Let's review from the beginning. Fili?"  
The blonde boy looked up from the questionable picture of a Dwarf woman and grimaced. Searching for the best words.  
"To have Dwarf bairns you need a Dwarf lad and lass. Dwarf lads have –" He motioned downwards with his hands. Kili raised his hand in the air and waved it frantically.  
"Kili?" Asked his uncle, voice thick with exasperation.  
"And Dwarf lasses have," (here he brought his hands down to his chest and made a cupping motion), "mountains….or hills…depending on the lass."  
"Yes. Go on."  
Kili looked at his brother as if seeking help, "annddd…. They also have ….a cave…but no bats…."

Thorin pondered for a moment. Then it struck him. The boy's weren't miners…they were warriors.  
"Ignore the cave thought for the moment. Here is a better explanation…pay attention now. Stop looking at the picture."

He stood up and started fiddling with his belt. Fili and Kili both took a step back.  
He unfastened his sword in its scabbard and held it towards them.  
"Right," he said as he removed the sword from its holder and raised them both up. "Imagine this sword is your" (they both pointed towards their crotches and Thorin yelled that they didn't have to do that every damn time) "and this Scabbard is the woman's …" (they pointed to their crotches again, he rolled his eyes) " and in order to make a bairn, you must put your sword in the sheath."  
He demonstrated.  
And waited for the light of realisation to dawn in their eyes.  
It didn't.  
Fili was still processing when Kili looked up at his uncle wildly. "You have to _stab_ her?"  
Thorin dropped the sword in scabbard to his side. "In a manner of speaking."  
"Does it have to go right through her?"  
"What?"  
"Does it have to come out the other side?"  
"What. Kili no. You are completely mis- Fili. You understand do you not?"  
He looked earnestly at his eldest nephew. His heir for the love of Durin.  
"Is the scabbard _in_the cave?"

At least two hours after Dis had pushed her brother and sons in a room together, Thorin Oakenshield stomped out, hair dishevelled, sword in one hand and a small shovel which seemed to be dirty in the other.  
He looked ready to take on a legion of orcs.  
"So, how did it go?" Dis smiled, holding out a tankard of beer to her brother. As thank you.  
He simply glared at her as he took the drink.  
"**Never** ask me to do anything like that again."  
"Come now, it couldn't have been that bad." She sat down and listened for the giggling coming from the room down the hall. There was none. Dis cocked her head quizzically.  
"What was the sword for?"  
"I attempted a metaphor. It was unsuccessful."  
"Oh….and the shovel?"  
Thorin placed it on the table in front of him. He fussed over attaching his scabbard back to his belt.  
"Thorin. The shovel."  
He met his sisters stern gaze and she could have sworn he looked almost guilty.  
"I wouldn't expect any grandbairns if I were you."

"How many?!" asked Kili incredulously. It was almost unheard of to have that many little ones.  
Bofur laughed and stirred the stew, "Aye, that's everyone else's reaction. If it were me I'd have trouble remembering all of their names!"  
Bombur continued chopping potatoes with a smile, "5 sons and 4 daughters."  
Kili let out a whistle. "That's a lot of digging."  
Bombur raised an eyebrow, "Digging?"  
Kili nodded seriously. "Aye, for the hole in the ground."

**~fin**


End file.
